Better Parents Better Kids Blog

The book Whale Done has made me think a lot about how we as people treat each other so badly and create such toxic enviornments for ourselves and each other. It is so easy and effortless to treat one another with respect and kindness and makes so much more sense because it makes for happier, more content people. But somehow somewhere we have learned to treat one another, and especially our kids, without respect, without unconditional love and without positive comments and acceptance.

My wish is to have everyone (especially parents) grasp the concept we are talking about in the book. It may be hard for some people to accept the fact that kids don't need punishment and constant reminders of what they are doing wrong; they simply need love, support, positive words and some redirecting when they are doing something that we don't like, that is not safe, or inappropriate.

I also got some feedback from my own seven-year-old son on the subject. I explained to him about how the Whale Done approach works; that it focuses on the positives rather than the negatives. He lit up right away and said that he thought that was a great idea, and that he himself would much rather hear what he was doing right rather than always hearing when he did something wrong. He was also quick to recognize that this isn't the regular societial way of dealing with people or kids. He even went a step further and realized that he had been doing the same thing. Every time his little brother did something he didn't like, he let him have it, and it really didn't do much to change the situation or to make him not repeat the behavior. It usually caused rebellion, more undesirable behavior and hurt feelings all the way around. He was curious and wanted to put the Whale Done approach to the test. He actually started making postive comments to his little brother and found that the more positives he said the better they both felt and he would get more of what he wanted or expected out of his brother.

It is such an easy thing to master. It's just that this way is so foreign to most people. I find that "different" is often a negative to people, so even if the different is good, it is automatically labeled as bad. For example, when we see something done a certain way for so long and then we ourselves do it that way, too, we get used to it and sometimes believe that it is the only way, and then continue on even though we are not getting the desired results out of doing it that way.

I used to yell, bribe, use threats, etc., etc., to get my kids to do what I wanted or what I thought they should. I knew it wasn't working, but yet I continued on because I knew no other way. I believed it was my kids that had the problem because they wouldn't listen to or obey my requests. I didn't know there was a different way, because no one had ever taught me a different way. I always saw the same yelling, threats, bribes, etc., being used on kids throughout my life and thought that was the right or natural way of parenting. The really ironic thing about me using this method of parenting was that even though I thought it was the "right" way and the acceptible way, I never felt good doing it that way, which leads me into a whole other subject on parents and their intuition. I know what I am doing now is good for my kids, and I know it because I see such a positive reaction from them, and most importantly, I feel good about the way I talk with, relate to, and unconditionally support and love my kids.